Blades of Glory Songs and Quotes

Chazz ( Will Ferrell ): "Me likey."

Chazz ( Will Ferrell ): "Im sex on everything."

Jimmy ( Jon Heder ): "Get outta my face."
Chazz ( Will Ferrell ): "Ill get inside your face!"

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JIMMY: So, COACH, I was thinking about the music for our routine.
COACH: Oh, really?
CHAZZ: Were gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I’m a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps."
JIMMY: [disgusted] Im not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I dont even know what that means.
CHAZZ: No one knows what it means, but its provocative...
JIMMY: No, its not, its gross...
CHAZZ: ...It gets the people going!

HECTOR: I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday... Its coming up...

CHAZZ: No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.

CHAZZ: This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
JIMMY: I could hold it all day long, try me!
CHAZZ: Maybe I will.
JIMMY: Maybe you should.
CHAZZ: You challenging me, princess?
JIMMY: Im not inviting you to the Skating Federations annual Christmas party.
CHAZZ: Then bring it on!
JIMMY: It is on!

JIMMY: Get out of my face.
CHAZZ: Ill get inside your face.

CHAZZ: [while JIMMY is giving a speech] That’s retarded

JIMMY: I see you got fat.
CHAZZ: I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot.

JIMMY: Watch my icy hot super slide.
CHAZZ: Do it.

HECTOR: [to JIMMY after hes told him of a loophole in the rules of competitive figure skating that will allow him to skate again] Im still going to kill you someday.

COACH: Youre the girl.
JIMMY: What?
CHAZZ: Youre my pretty lady, MacElroy.
JIMMY: Wait, why?
COACH: Because you whine like one!
[turns to CHAZZ]
COACH: And no one can lift your fat ass, youre on a diet starting now.

CHAZZ: Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.

JIMMY: I dont share rooms.
CHAZZ: I dont share SHIT...

CHAZZ: Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!

Stranz Van Waldenberg: Remember how they used to be alive?

CHAZZ: Did you carve up any ice... with your weiner?

CHAZZ: Im a sex addict. Its my cross to bear. Its a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

CHAZZ: Im a sex addict and Im attracted to women.

CHAZZ: And thats why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesnt belong in here
[pointing to heart]
CHAZZ: it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I dont care because now Ive got a brother
[grabs JIMMY]
CHAZZ: , this is my brother
[grabs Katie]
CHAZZ: and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. Im in a lot of pain I think Im gonna barf.
JIMMY: CHAZZ, CHAZZ they gotta get you to a hospital.
CHAZZ: What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.

Stranz Van Waldenberg: [when Katie is leaving] No, Katie, come back, we love you and stuff...

CHAZZ: Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.

CHAZZ: [talking to the press] This is my brother. And this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is NOT a whore!

JIMMY: Im getting sick, you smell like aftershave and taco meat!

HECTOR: I sent you a cup of my blood! Did you get my blood?

Bryce: Are you drunk?
CHAZZ: No, but this oughta do it
[smashes open a bottle of liquor and drinks]
Bryce: Id fire you... if you werent so goddamn beautiful out there.
[pause]
Bryce: You smell like urine.
CHAZZ: A lot?

CHAZZ: [to JIMMYs voice mail] If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, Id go as Robin. Thats how much you mean to me...

CHAZZ: I think I see the Virgin Mary!
JIMMY: No, thats not her.

CHAZZ: Mind-bottling, isnt it?
JIMMY: Did you just say mind-bottling?
CHAZZ: Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?

CHAZZ: Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause youve officially given me a boner!

CHAZZ: Ahh, my nutsack!

CHAZZ: Dont make me kill her!

Stranz Van Waldenberg: Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark, we let down the Funky Bunch.

[In front of enormous "Capture The Dream" sign]
CHAZZ: Lets capture the dream.
JIMMY: Capture the-wow I love it. Whered you come up with that?
CHAZZ: I have no idea where I came up with that.
JIMMY: Cool.
CHAZZ: Lets kick some ice.

CHAZZ: Shes as cold as the ice she skates on. Shes like dry ice. No, wait! Shes colder than that. Whats colder than dry ice?
JIMMY: I dont know
CHAZZ: Ill tell you what is, Oksana.

CHAZZ: We love you Denver! City by the Bay!

CHAZZ: [shoots fire out of his fingers at end of performance]
JIMMY: Was the fire really necessary?
CHAZZ: Ask THEM.

CHAZZ: Better step aside homeschool, theres a new Sheriff in town.

CHAZZ: [Referring to his program] I hope you’ve brought your silver polish, MacElroy, cause that was gold.
JIMMY: That was disgusting.
CHAZZ: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.

Stranz Van Waldenberg: Whos gonna save you now, CHAZZ? Is Little Lord MacLeroy gonna come and meet ya down here?
[CHAZZ flips him the bird]

CHAZZ: I permanently call shotgun.
JIMMY: You do not get shotgun every time!

Stranz Van Waldenberg: [referring to JIMMY and CHAZZ] Those two are nothing but a couple of freaks.

Katie Van Waldenberg: Great! Thatll give me time to get my jugs waxed.

[CHAZZ and JIMMY have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video]
COACH: [confidently] Okay, so what do you say? Lets try an Iron Lotus.
CHAZZ: Are you nuts?
JIMMY: Wha...? We cant do that!
COACH: Cmon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. Thats why it didnt work. Youre two men... you should be fine.

[CHAZZ and JIMMY have tied for the Gold Medal in Mens Singles]
DARRENMacElroy: Youre fired.
COACH: What? I got him a Gold Medal.
DARRENMacElroy: No, you got him half a Gold Medal. If I wanted him to share, I would have gotten him a brother.

COACH: You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers?
CHAZZ: I am NEVER satisfied! Its a curse.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Nothing breaks up a team faster than...
Stranz Van Waldenberg: Herpes! Uh... jealousy.

JIMMY: You ruined my dreams!
CHAZZ: Dreams? Shit, I havent had one of those in years.
JIMMY: Zip it CHAZZ, just zip it, or Ill punch you in your crap-lousy face!
CHAZZ: Hey, this ends tonight!
JIMMY: Its daytime, you douche!

Random Guy: You mean, that blonde chicks a dude?

HECTOR: Its embarrassing stalking a has-been.

CHAZZ: I dont want to close my eyes, dont want to fall asleep cause I miss you JIMMY, and I dont wanna miss a thing.

CO-ANCHOR: JIMMY may be renowned for his personal hygiene, Scott, but after that performance, hes starting to reek... Of gold.

DARRENMacElroy: [referring to the fans] They may look cute and innocent, but theyre nothing but a beehive for germs and bacteria.

CHAZZ: Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, youre too late; they already handed out the girls medals this morning.
JIMMY: Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
CHAZZ: I was on quaaludes, I dont even REMEMBER Oslo.

CO-ANCHOR: [Describing CHAZZ] CHAZZ Michael Michaels: an ice-devouring sex tornado.

CO-ANCHOR: [about CHAZZ] The only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award.

CHAZZ: [referring to his program] Eat THAT, MacElroy.
JIMMY: Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. Were tied!
CHAZZ: Youre tied.

Sports Anchor: [Referring to their medals] And how heavy is that gold around your necks?
Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Scott, this may be solid gold, but to us its lighter than air, because dreams never weigh you down.
Stranz Van Waldenberg: No. Dreams are in your sleep.

CHAZZ: [backstage at "Grublets On Ice"] I hate my life.

CHAZZ: Youre living in the past, Sammi. Me and the Woodland Fairies, were living in the HERE and NOW.

CHAZZ: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] Hey! Hey, you little forest creatures! None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes!
CHAZZ: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] I just threw up in here, people. Thats the reality. Just another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion! In fact, we all a... Ugh, encore!
[begins throwing up again]

CHAZZ: [the crowd is booing and throwing garbage onto the ice] Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!

COACH: Figure skating? Give it up, JIMMY! Its like a cruel bitch mother!

CHAZZ: Two men skating? Thats a riot. A laugh riot.
COACH: I dont see whats so funny.
CHAZZ: If you were as drunk as me, you would.

CHAZZ: Whatre you, the rug doctor?
JIMMY: Maybe I am.
CHAZZ: Well, Im the rug MASTER.
JIMMY: What does that even mean?

JIMMY: [JIMMY walks in on CHAZZ and Katie getting intimate] Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend!
CHAZZ: This isnt what it looks like.
[Grabs Katies breast]
JIMMY: Impure! Impure!
[Runs out of the room]
Katie Van Waldenberg: JIMMY, wait!
CHAZZ: Brother man!

Stranz Van Waldenberg: [realizing hes about to lose the gold medal to CHAZZ and JIMMY] Its over. All the endorsements, everything gone. Oh my God, I cant get a real job; itll kill me!

CHAZZ: [a the Figure Skating Association hearing] Maxim Magazine, last issue: "CHAZZ Michael Michaels IS figure skating!" BOOM!

[first lines]
DARRENMacElroy: [watching a young JIMMY skate at an orphanage] Ill take him.

CHAZZ: Help yourself to the Mane n Tail all you want, but dont even look at the Verticoli...

JIMMY: Dude, your hands gotta be on top.
CHAZZ: No way, the girls goes on top.
CHAZZ: Yeh, ergo, chick.
JIMMY: Im not the girl, Im stronger!
CHAZZ: No, IM stronger, and dont have a vagina.

CO-ANCHOR: These two put the "bone" in Zamboni.

CHAZZ: [while attempting the Iron Lotus] I swear to God, if you cut my head off...

CHAZZ: The night is a very dark time for me.
JIMMY: Its dark for everyone, moron!
CHAZZ: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.

HECTOR: He likes food and dreams and whispers... his favorite movie is Short Circuit... and Fried Green Tomatoes.

HECTOR: I wanna wear the gold medal... naked.

COACH: What do you guys have that all other teams dont have?
CHAZZ: Twin dongs?

DARRENMacElroy: Im un-adopting you.
JIMMY: What?
DARRENMacElroy: Well, legally Im disowning you.

JIMMY: Hi, youve reached JIMMY, if you can dream it, you can do it!

JIMMY: I call top.
CHAZZ: Sorry, I already called it in my head...
JIMMY: No, you cant do that, that doesnt count.
CHAZZ: Yes it does.

CHAZZ: It makes my hair shine like Orions Belt out on the ice.

CHAZZ: CHAZZ Michaels and JIMMY MacElroy *are* figure skating.
[shouts and raises left arm]
CHAZZ: Boom!

CHAZZ: I am never satisfied! Its a curse...

CHAZZ: But I remember Boston, and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named.

JIMMY: Theyre laughing at us.
CHAZZ: Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now hes up there, laughing at them.

DARRENMacElroy: Banned for life. Thats a long time.

CHAZZ: I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.

CHAZZ: Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck.

JIMMY: [fighting with CHAZZ] Youre so fat!

CHAZZ: Throw me some chicken.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg: No, say you want a snowbone!

JIMMY: [to Katie] I like your... buttons.

JIMMY: When I was eight, my dad had me get a circumcision to minimalize air resistance.

[JIMMY and Katie have just kissed]
Katie Van Waldenberg: Youve been practicing.
JIMMY: CHAZZ taught me some stuff.

HECTOR: Look, I almost gave up on you. I started working with that Ukrainian skater, you know, the one who looks like Elvis? And I moved to the Ukraine, and it was cold and everyone had guns and smelled like soup.

JIMMY: This ice has not been properly Zamboned! Wheres the warm-down room?
COACH: We dont have any of that. What weve got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.
CHAZZ: Nice choice, COACH.
COACH: Turned out well.

[last lines]
CHAZZ: Lets get outta here.
JIMMY: Now?
CHAZZ: Yeah.

JIMMY: I just put them in order.

[DARRENis unadopting JIMMY]
JIMMY: Ive been your son for 26 years.
DARRENMacElroy: 22, so no one can say I didnt try.

Random Guy: [holding a hot dog bun with two hot dogs in it] Let me ask you something. Does that look right to you?

CHAZZ: Were going to Montreal bitch!

CHAZZ: Youre welcome Stockholm!